"Have the Courage to Be Ordinary" — Alfred Adler's Psychology on Finding Happiness Without Being Special

Why the Desire to Be Special Causes Suffering

Ichiro Kishimi, co-author of 'The Courage to Be Disliked,' explains that people who strive to be special tend to move in one of two directions. The first is pursuing superiority—trying to be exceptionally outstanding. The second, when that fails, is pursuing inferiority—seeking attention by being exceptionally troubled. Both stem from the same false belief: 'I have no value as an ordinary person.'

This phenomenon has become increasingly severe in modern society. Platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube present curated highlights of other people's lives. A 2023 study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals who spend more than three hours a day on social media have approximately 35% lower self-esteem compared to those who use it for less than thirty minutes. Without realizing it, we compare other people's carefully edited best moments with our own unfiltered reality, creating an illusion that we are somehow inferior.

Psychologist Carl Rogers said, 'The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.' If you want to grow, the starting point is accepting who you are right now. Stop comparing yourself to others and give yourself permission to be okay. This is the essence of what Adler called 'the courage to be ordinary.'

The Critical Difference Between Inferiority Feelings and an Inferiority Complex

Adler drew a clear distinction between inferiority feelings and an inferiority complex. Understanding this difference is the first step toward embracing the courage to be ordinary.

An inferiority feeling is the healthy recognition that 'I still have room to grow.' For example, feeling that you want to improve your public speaking skills is a healthy inferiority feeling that motivates learning. An inferiority complex, on the other hand, is the state of denying your very existence—'I'm a terrible person because I can't speak well in public.' The difference may seem subtle, but it produces dramatically different outcomes in behavior.

People with healthy inferiority feelings can think, 'I'm still a work in progress, and that's okay.' This allows them to take action and make gradual progress. Those trapped in an inferiority complex, however, give up with thoughts like 'I'm hopeless anyway' and abandon challenges altogether. Alternatively, they swing to the opposite extreme—relentless perfectionism that tolerates no mistakes at all.

Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck's research provides scientific support for this distinction. Dweck categorized thinking patterns into 'fixed mindset' and 'growth mindset.' People with a fixed mindset believe abilities are innate and unchangeable, so they interpret failure as a negation of their worth. Those with a growth mindset believe abilities can be developed through effort, so they see failure as a learning opportunity. Adler's 'courage to be ordinary' is essentially the embodiment of the growth mindset.

Five Practical Steps to Cultivate the Courage to Be Ordinary

The courage to be ordinary is not something you develop overnight. It grows through consistent daily practice. Here are five evidence-based steps you can implement starting today.

First, consciously limit your social media usage. A 2018 study from the University of Pennsylvania found that participants who limited their social media use to thirty minutes per day experienced significant reductions in loneliness and depression compared to a control group. Start by using your smartphone's screen time feature to set a daily limit.

Second, develop a nightly habit of acknowledging three things you did well that day. They don't need to be big achievements. 'I ate a proper breakfast.' 'I greeted my colleague with a smile.' 'I held the door for a stranger.' Small things are more than enough. Research by Professor Robert Emmons at UC Davis found that people who practiced gratitude and self-acknowledgment for ten weeks reported a 25% increase in overall happiness compared to those who did not.

Third, aim for 'good enough' instead of perfection. Psychologist Donald Winnicott's concept of 'good enough' was originally developed for parenting theory, but it applies to every area of life. Taking action at 70% quality is far more productive than being paralyzed while chasing 100%.

Fourth, incorporate a sense of 'contribution to others' into your daily life. Adler emphasized 'community feeling' as a key condition for human happiness—the sense that 'I am a useful member of this community.' It doesn't have to be volunteering at a shelter. Helping a struggling colleague at work or speaking a kind word to a family member counts as meaningful contribution.

Fifth, practice 'separation of tasks,' one of Adlerian psychology's core concepts. This means clearly distinguishing between 'your tasks' and 'other people's tasks.' How others evaluate you is their task—something beyond your control. What you can control is your own actions and attitudes. Simply being aware of this boundary provides immense relief from the suffering caused by worrying about what others think.

Brene Brown's Research on Vulnerability and Courage

Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, has spent over twenty years studying vulnerability. Her TED Talk, 'The Power of Vulnerability,' has been viewed more than 50 million times and has influenced people around the world.

Her research revealed that the courage to acknowledge your weaknesses and show them to the world is the key to deepening relationships, unleashing creativity, and achieving genuine happiness. This resonates profoundly with Adler's concept of the courage to be ordinary.

Maintaining the facade of a perfect self consumes enormous energy—energy that could otherwise be directed toward creative pursuits and meaningful relationships. Dr. Brown states, 'Believing you are enough is the starting point of courage.' True strength comes not from hiding your weaknesses but from accepting your whole self, weaknesses included.

In her extensive interview research involving thousands of participants, Brown found that people who experienced 'wholehearted' happiness shared a common trait: a deep conviction that 'I am imperfect, but I am still worthy of love and belonging.' Rather than trying to conceal their failures and vulnerabilities, they embraced them as part of being human.

Escaping the Comparison Trap: A Scientific Approach

Social psychologist Leon Festinger proposed 'Social Comparison Theory' in 1954, which states that humans have an innate tendency to evaluate their abilities and opinions by comparing themselves to others. This was an evolutionary adaptation that helped our ancestors survive in groups, but in today's social media-saturated world, this instinct easily spirals out of control.

So how can we escape the comparison trap? Insights from cognitive behavioral therapy offer practical guidance. The first step is simply 'noticing' when you are comparing yourself to others. Just the objective recognition—'I'm doing it again, I'm comparing'—creates distance from the automatic thought pattern.

Next, shift your point of comparison from 'others' to 'your past self.' If today's version of you has grown even slightly compared to yesterday, that is enough. Just as a marathon runner challenges their personal best rather than watching the runner in the next lane, the opponent in life's race is not someone else—it is who you were yesterday.

Mindfulness meditation is also highly effective. The Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program developed by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn has been shown in multiple clinical trials to reduce anxiety by an average of 38% over eight weeks. Even dedicating just five minutes a day to focusing on your breath can make you far less susceptible to the negative thought spirals that arise from social comparison.

The True Freedom That Comes from Accepting Your Ordinary Self

Konosuke Matsushita said, 'Each person has a path given to them. Whatever that path may be, you must walk it without envying the paths of others.' These words align beautifully with Adler's philosophy.

Accepting your ordinary self does not mean abandoning your dreams or goals. Rather, it means gaining the freedom to live by your own standards instead of someone else's. When you are liberated from the spell of 'I have no value unless I'm special,' you can finally focus on what you truly want to do.

Philosopher Kiyokazu Washida wrote, 'Who you are is not something others decide. It is something you take responsibility for yourself.' As long as we depend on validation from others, we will never be satisfied—because other people's opinions are constantly shifting.

You do not need to be special. You just need to be yourself. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to be a work in progress. When you find the courage to be ordinary, you free yourself from the suffocating life of worrying about what others think and begin walking your own unique path. This simple truth that Adler articulated over a century ago shines even more brightly in our social media-saturated modern world.