"You Don't Have Time to Envy Other People's Success" — Sheryl Sandberg on Turning Jealousy Into Aspiration That Fuels You

Why 'Envy' Has Quietly Grown in the SNS Era

Former Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg writes in Lean In, 'If you have time to envy someone else's success, use it for your own next step instead.' Behind that line was her own observation: women in leadership are especially prone to a double trap — being constantly compared, and constantly comparing themselves.

The trouble is that, in the age of social media, almost everyone — regardless of gender or rank — now stands at the entrance to that same trap. Open your phone and a colleague's promotion, an acquaintance's new venture, a peer's salary disclosure all stream past you with a swipe.

Research by psychologist Gina Cariolo shows that the more time someone spends on SNS, the more frequently they engage in 'upward comparison' (comparing themselves to those above them) and the more likely their self-esteem drops. Envy isn't born of malice. In an age of information overflow, it is an utterly ordinary feeling that quietly rises in everyone.

Alain de Botton on the Real Nature of Envy

The philosopher Alain de Botton, in his book Status Anxiety, makes a quietly profound observation: 'We only envy people we feel are similar to ourselves.' Almost no one envies a global tycoon — they feel too distant, like 'someone in another world.' Yet when an acquaintance from the same industry, the same age group, or the same school takes a step ahead, an intense pang of envy strikes.

What this observation tells us is that envy is a sign of latent possibility — 'maybe I could do that too.' We don't envy what feels totally out of reach. The people we envy are, in a sense, an unconscious map pointing toward the direction of our own growth.

De Botton says, 'Don't run from envy. Observe it.' Just by noting whom you envied, what about them, and in what moment, the outline of what you actually want begins to surface.

Ichiro Kishimi on the Difference Between Envy and Inferiority Feelings

Ichiro Kishimi, who introduced Adlerian psychology to a wide Japanese audience, writes in The Courage to Be Disliked, 'Inferiority grows a person; envy stagnates them.' A feeling of inferiority is the forward energy of 'I'm not enough yet, so I want to become better.' Envy is the backward energy of 'I want to drag the other person down.'

Yet Kishimi also says, 'Don't deny envy. Envy is a sign of inferiority feelings.' The emotion of envy itself is not evil — what matters is how you handle it. Bottle it up inside and it turns toxic; open it outward as a 'direction for your own growth' and it becomes fuel.

Adler taught that 'people can change.' The very moment you turn envy into aspiration, you have, in fact, already begun to change.

A Quiet Realization on the Morning Commute

A personal aside. One morning on the commuter train, I idly opened a social network and a post from an acquaintance my own age announcing they had launched a new company jumped into view. 'Wow, that's impressive,' I thought first — but two stops later I noticed that the post had quietly snagged itself somewhere in my chest and was still tugging.

It felt a little ugly that I couldn't simply celebrate them. My step toward work was heavier than usual. Then, walking down the platform at my office's nearest station, the thought hit me: 'This unease in my chest might just be a sign that I actually want to go that way too, but haven't.'

That night I came home, opened a notebook, and spent ten minutes writing out 'how would I really like to work?' No clear answer arrived. But because I had managed to step from feeling envy to observing envy that morning, the chest-tightness when I opened my SNS apps the next day already felt a little lighter. Envy, I finally understood, wasn't an enemy — it was a map.

Four Steps to Convert Envy Into Aspiration

Turning envy into motivation works in four steps. Even the first pass takes only about fifteen minutes.

Step one is to acknowledge envy. Denying 'the part of me that envies' just sends the feeling underground, where it grows. Simply labeling, 'ah, I'm envying right now,' inside your head halves the emotion's grip — something psychologist Matthew Lieberman has shown in brain-imaging studies.

Step two is to write down concretely what you envy. Not vague phrases like 'their success,' but something granular: 'I envy the freedom with which they work on what they love at their own pace.'

Step three is to think about how to bring that element into your own life. You don't have to walk the same path. From the qualities you extracted — freedom, expertise, network — choose one and look for a way to import it in your own context.

Step four is to define a very small next step. Big resolutions like 'I'll start a company next month' typically vanish in three days. Instead, define one action you can do in five minutes — for example, 'this week, buy one book in that field.' Just as Sandberg said, the time you spent envying gets reassigned to your own next step.

Don't Eliminate Comparison — Change Its Direction

Theodore Roosevelt said, 'Comparison is the thief of joy.' Yet realistically, humans are comparing creatures. Eliminating comparison entirely is nearly impossible. What matters is changing the direction of comparison.

Instead of comparing yourself to others, compare 'yesterday's self' with 'today's self.' When someone else's accomplishment scrolls past on SNS, ask, 'What element here can I apply to myself?' Just habituating these two questions transforms envy from gravity that pulls you down into an engine that pulls you up.

Train the 'Capacity to Celebrate' and Envy Quietly Shrinks

Research by organizational psychologist Adam Grant suggests that people who can wholeheartedly celebrate the success of others tend to have higher rates of success themselves. The reason is straightforward: the very act of celebrating imprints in the brain a 'mindset of abundance' — that the world holds enough success to go around.

The opposite, the feeling that 'their success eats into mine,' is what's called 'zero-sum thinking.' As long as you live inside zero-sum thinking, someone else's brilliance will always loom as a shadow over you. This is a habit of mind, and habits can be rewritten with practice.

The practice itself is simple. When you see news of someone's success, send a single congratulatory message that same day. The first few times you may feel slightly self-conscious. Yet over time, the volume of envy in your own heart oddly begins to shrink. Celebrating others isn't, in fact, an act for the other person. It is the act that quietly restores the breathing room of your own mind.

Tonight, Try Writing an Envy List

What Sandberg's line really teaches is how to relate to your own emotions. Envy is not a shameful feeling; handled well, it becomes the most powerful fuel for motivation.

Tonight, before sleep, open a notebook and write down just three things — 'whom and what have I recently envied?' As you write, ask, 'What direction in my own life is this pointing to?' Fifteen minutes of work, but those fifteen minutes will change how SNS looks to you tomorrow morning.

Envy isn't your enemy. It is the unrecognized other side of your own aspiration. Observe the flame of envy and aim it; it becomes the heat source that drives your life forward.