"The Best Way to Destroy an Enemy Is to Make Him a Friend" — Lincoln's Lesson on Turning Conflict into Teamwork

Lincoln's Philosophy in the Midst of the Civil War: 'Turn Enemies into Friends'

Abraham Lincoln, the sixteenth president of the United States, is said to have spoken these words in the middle of the Civil War, the most violent conflict that split the nation in two: 'If I make my enemy my friend, am I not destroying my enemy?' This is neither defeatism nor idealism — it is a remarkably practical strategy for resolving conflict.

The cabinet Lincoln assembled at his inauguration is famous in political history as the 'Team of Rivals.' He appointed his political adversaries from the Republican primary — William Seward, Salmon Chase, Edward Bates — to the highest offices, one after another. Those around him warned, 'They will come to crush you.' Lincoln replied, 'I cannot defend the country without gathering the most capable. And if we work together while still in conflict, they will eventually become my strongest allies.'

The cabinet members who initially looked down on Lincoln came, as the war advanced, to admire deeply his character and judgment. Seward later wrote, 'I have never seen a president like that.' What Lincoln demonstrated is the practical truth that converting an enemy itself into a 'cooperative relationship' produces far greater results than physically eliminating an enemy.

Dale Carnegie's Insight: 'To Change Others, Change Your Own Attitude First'

Dale Carnegie, author of the bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People, summed up the essence of conflict resolution this way: 'Do not try to change the other person. Change, by your own attitude, the attitude the other person takes toward you.'

Carnegie repeated throughout the book that people almost never change their minds because they were defeated in argument. On the contrary, the more they are defeated, the more they cling to their position. This is now confirmed in modern psychology as 'belief defense.' The moment people feel their identity is threatened, the brain switches not to reason but to defense mode.

So how can the other side's attitude be changed? Carnegie's answer was simple: 'Show deep interest in the other person's situation. Acknowledge their legitimacy. Sincerely look for what is good in them.' When this continues, the defense mode of the other person's brain releases, and constructive dialogue can finally begin. Lincoln's 'turn enemies into friends' Carnegie translated into the language of modern psychology.

Kazuo Inamori's Philosophy: 'Draw Out the Goodness in the Opposing Side'

The founder of Kyocera and KDDI, Kazuo Inamori, placed 'making the hearts of people one' at the foundation of management throughout his life. What he repeated in his books was the philosophy that 'inside an opposing person there is always a good heart. The work of a manager is to believe in that good heart and draw it out.'

When Inamori took on the rebuilding of Japan Airlines, the company had fierce internal factional conflicts and a labor union skeptical of the very rebuilding. While many managers would begin by 'suppressing the opposition,' Inamori took the opposite approach. He visited the representatives of each opposing faction directly, listened to their concerns for hours, and kept saying, 'Your worries are reasonable. I want to rebuild this company together with you.'

Six months later, the on-site leaders who had originally most opposed the rebuilding had become Inamori's most ardent supporters. Japan Airlines was relisted in only two years and eight months. What Inamori demonstrated is the perspective of re-reading conflict not as 'an adversarial relationship' but as 'a relationship of trust not yet completed.' The person you thought was an enemy is in fact 'a colleague who has simply not yet placed trust in you' — a fundamental shift of recognition.

A Morning Sitting Down with a Leader from a Neighboring Team

A personal aside. For a stretch of time I was clashing again and again with the leader of a neighboring team over how to do work. At every meeting his comments irritated me, and he in turn brushed off my proposals coldly — a textbook 'adversarial' configuration. On Monday mornings, just seeing his name in the From line of an email made my stomach feel heavy.

After days of this, one morning I noticed, 'How much energy am I really spending on trying to defeat him?' Lincoln's words 'turn enemies into friends' had been hanging in a corner of my mind. That day I sent him an email, almost on impulse: 'Could we have fifteen minutes over coffee sometime next week to share what's happening on each of our teams?' The reply came surprisingly fast, and it was a yes.

The person who sat across from me over coffee was nothing like the figure I had imagined. He told me frankly that his team was also short-handed, and that he himself was being squeezed by pressure from above. I was surprised, and a little ashamed. The 'enemy' I had been imagining was in fact 'a colleague suffering under the same pressure.'

Nothing was solved in those fifteen minutes. But from that day on, the air in my meetings with him certainly changed. Even when our opinions clashed, the tension was no longer 'I must defeat him,' but 'how can we improve both of our situations together?' Lincoln's words and Inamori's words turned out to belong not only to special heroes and managers but to a single cup of coffee with a leader from the next team. That is when it finally landed.

Five Practices to Turn Conflict into Cooperation

The ability to convert adversarial relationships into cooperative ones is not innate sociability; it is a trainable skill. Try these five.

First, call the other person's name once in your mind. While you abstract the opposing person as 'the enemy' or 'that one,' your brain keeps processing them as a threat. Just once, mentally call them by full name, and the brain re-recognizes them as 'one specific human being.' Adversarial mode loosens slightly. It is a small thing but a decisive first step.

Second, articulate the other person's concern in one line. The opposing person too has 'their own legitimacy' and 'something they want to protect.' Try writing in your own words, 'They are probably afraid of X.' The 'enemy' begins to look like 'a colleague with a different position.' Understanding is not agreement, but cooperation does not begin without understanding.

Third, voice their good point first. The next time you speak with the opposing person, before getting to the main issue, add a sincere remark such as 'The point you raised in last week's meeting really helped me.' The defense mode of their brain drops a level, and the quality of the discussion that follows changes dramatically. This is not flattery; it is the deliberate technique of drawing out the good in the other person.

Fourth, secure the time of one cup of coffee. Conflict is never resolved inside the meeting room alone. Just having fifteen minutes one-on-one — with conversation that goes beyond business — adds a deeper layer to the relationship. Both Lincoln and Inamori spent the most time on 'one-on-one dialogue.' Organizational conflict is decided not by the number of meetings but by the number of one-on-one conversations.

Fifth, train yourself to celebrate the other person's victories. When an opposing person succeeds, people unconsciously feel jealousy or wariness. But if you make a habit of intentionally blessing them with 'your success is also our shared success,' the other person's brain starts to re-judge: 'This person may be my ally, not my competitor.' Over the long run, this is the technique that builds the strongest cooperative relationships.

Distinguishing 'Enemies to Befriend' from 'Relationships to Distance'

One misunderstanding to clear up: not every adversarial relationship should be converted into friendship. Reading Lincoln's words as 'get along with anyone' will only end in self-depletion. Adversarial relationships are of two kinds — 'conflicts that dialogue can resolve' and 'relationships from which to keep distance' — and they must be sharply distinguished.

Conflicts dialogue can resolve are those born from mutual misunderstanding, differences of position, and information asymmetry, where the other person still has room for goodwill. The leader of a neighboring team, the boss whose opinions diverge from yours, a competing client — many of these hold the potential to become 'friends' through appropriate dialogue.

Relationships from which to keep distance, on the other hand, are with people who repeatedly betray trust, deliberately wound others, or work to maintain a relationship that drains you. Applying Lincoln's philosophy to such people brings pulverization, not crystallization. Whom Lincoln appointed to his cabinet were 'political opponents,' not 'malicious people.' This discernment is the starting point of conflict resolution.

A First Step You Can Take Today

Lincoln's 'turn enemies into friends' does not belong to special presidents or executives alone. It applies to the leader of a neighboring team, the colleague whose opinions disagree, a small clash with family — to any everyday conflict. It is the oldest and most practical of teamwork principles.

The first step today: bring to mind one 'opposing person' currently in your head, mentally call their full name once, and write a single line — 'What is this person really trying to protect right now?' The answer need not come immediately. The moment you ask, the layer of that relationship begins to shift.

Then next week, ask that person for one cup of coffee. Fifteen minutes is enough. There is no need to get to the main issue. That alone begins to change the outline of the person you thought was an enemy. The single line Lincoln left behind is not about a wartime White House — it is about your workplace this week.